Here I am...exhausted and stressed-in the Atlanta Airport-after the freaking marathon that is overseas travel with Tommy...panic in big buildings, a desperate need to sift mulch, sand, rocks on shiny surfaces, rip potted plants to shreds, jump on moving luggage carousels, grab the food of strangers, dart away unexpectedly, and scream, bite his wrists and freak out every so often on the plane. We have jumped through hoops and spit wooden nickels, to soothe, restrain, redirect, and control, and we are at our wits end. We have been glared at, tisked at, shouted at, stared at....we have had flight attendants give us free sympathy drinks, evangelists pray for us, and airport personnel either rush to help us or ask us why the hell we are in the "handicapped lane.." but all of that eases at I look at Tommy and Grandmom. They are side by side in matching airport wheelchairs (Tommy prefers to be restrained, it lessens his anxiety as well as his desire to slide down the luggage carousel ramp...) and Aunt Mary, who like me, is always trying to help him communicate, has told him, "Tommy, Grandmom can't see, so you need to touch her!!" And my exhausted, stressed, autistic son has discovered the loose skin on Grandmom's arms and decided, to her absolute delight, that it is the most fascinating thing ever. And he is kneading it like pizza dough and intermittently placing sound kisses on her arm. He rarely approaches Grandmom, and she has despaired of this because she is blind and can't play with him, but here, at this wonderful moment, there is a connection!! Mary and I and Grandmom laugh and quietly celebrate it, Nicholas chuckles.
You would never know that I had just completely lost it with the Atlanta customs entry personnel who had glared at us (next in line) for having a "perfectly healthy little boy" in a wheelchair in the handicapped line. They had proceeded to have a long, cheerful chat while casting casual annoyed glances our way. The glances had begun to change somewhat when he started screaming and biting his wrists...some interest appeared when he started hitting himself in the head. Finally something snapped and I crossed over the customs line and yelled, "I realize my son does not look 'handicapped' to you, but he has a solid case of autism, and he is impulsive and panicky in large buildings. He is now hitting himself in the head and freaking out...I know you are enjoying your little chat here, but if you don't mind, he really DOES have a disability, and it's been a HELL of a long day, soooo..." To my amazement, the chat ended promptly and we finally moved forward. You also wouldn't know, at this moment that he is kissing Grandmom's elbow, that he had screamed so much on the plane that the flight attendants had brought us free drinks, shaking their heads, and saying..."It's ok, it will be ok, we know you've got your hands full..." Nor would you guess at this moment of arm-kissing and smiles that my husband and I had practically killed each other at the end of the flight in a state of maximum stress, as our son yellled "PEE PEE!! PEE PEE! PEE PEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" at us for the 17 thousandth time (his way of getting up and walking around the plane)...
You might ask if it is really worth it to go on these exotic jaunts. This determination on my part to have an adventure, for all of us to have a great adventure every summer. So I will reminisce on the moments, like this one with grandmom that make it worth these hellacious flights. Like the look on his face when a giant Blue Morpho flutters past him in the jungle. Or our pride at his learning to swim in the ocean and enjoy BIG waves! The progress he has made in hiking-the fact that he waits for me some now, and even looks back! The smile as he sees clouds from ABOVE instead of below. The pleasant familiarity he now feels for monkeys as they swing by us on our journeys. The moments that a good vacation is made of. I will build my ability to hold them precious and give them more power than the difficult ones. We can, we can!!
The memories we make with the exclusive club that really loves him and gets him....swimming in the waves with the aunts and delighting at the foam. Kicking limes with his cousin. Waiting and sifting as his mom watches toucans....his SEEING the toucans! His smile! His emotional intelligence, facial expressions, love. The chance to travel with the Aunts, Mary who loves him so.
OOOHHH, Mark and I stress, we fuss and try to discipline him as he throws everything we own off the balcony. We build muscles dragging him screaming off the beach (separating him from sand, oh my!). Oh we sometimes holler at each other in times of frustration as he poors out every liquid in sight, floods our bathroom, and requests popsicles 3,400 times daily. Are we still married? Yep! Do we still love each other?...MOST of the time!! Can we still laugh? OH YES!
And we love him. And he loves us. And he loves Grandmom, and Mary, and so, heartstrings hold us together even on the wildest of adventures. So we will keep having them, absolutely...in places like Costa Rica, where easygoing, warmhearted people let things go with a laugh and a smile, saying, "Don't worry...it's ok!" Maybe Thailand?
In the meantime, I cry a tired tear of joy, and Grandmom laughs out loud.
