The Divorce Rate Among Parents of ASD Kids

The Stats are high...80%, 90%...as if the national divorce rate average of regular famililes isn't high enough, right? And you wonder why it gets so high with these parents of autistic kids.

Well, maybe scroll down to the blog below about behavior problems, costs, stress, etc. in our lives and you might start to understand these stats.

But honestly, to understand them, you have to BE them...which is very different.

You would have to have had the experience of watching your child develop and knowing that his development is wrong.and then having your spouse and most of your friends and family tell you you were being "neurotic"and to stop worrying. Then being basically alone in finding your child the help he needs...which more than anything, is the TIME and energy of those who love him to keep him communicating instead of spinning the wheels of little cars all by himself.(Not surpisingly,most of the stats show the spouse finding the speech therapy, OT, ABA, and Floortime, is the mom, just as the mom is the primary caretaker with typical kids)

Having to wait 8 months just to get in to see a neurodevelopmental pediatrician to have your child receive a more severe diagnosis than you expected.. and having your spouse at the MacD0nalds 20 minutes later yell at you for telling the pediatrician that there were 3 other cases in the family...you are reeling....and crying.....over this diagnosis and this spouse is ticked that his family history was discussed...ARE YOU KIDDING ME???(You had hoped friends and family were right when they told you not to worry, that you were being "neurotic" and that it was "your problem" You never hoped something so hard in your entire life)

But none of this should really be a surprise since studies show that most parents of children with autism don't recognize a problem until 2 years of age....so you spend 2 years blissfully thinking everything is fine.

Imagine, having 3 other relatives in the family..with autism...imagine screaming at your spouse after being told you were being "obsessive and neurotic" for noticing something was wrong...I remember shouting..."What is wrong with you people? Do they have to have it stamped on their foreheads, for God's Sake?" And still, he did NOT acknowledge the diagnosis or take the actual prescription seriously (25 hours a week of one-on-one communication)until a neurodevelopmental pediatrician told him to!
So until that time (September 11, 2006) I really was ON MY OWN in a way I've never known before and hope to never know again... It was the hardest time not only in my marriage, but in my whole life..very difficult, and very isolating.

Those times are past, thank God, and the people who didn't understand before, do now..and we are a happy, healthy, well-adjusted little family--we made it. Mark and I made it. And he is the most loving father. He loves Tommy completely and tenderly with amazing patience.

Autism is mysterious, hard, and unpredictable....70% of cases don't become clear until age 3...maybe that's why our hearts break so much harder at that time...after spending almost 3 years "in the clear. Hard on the parents hearts, and hard on a marriage, as the statistics so clearly show us.

However, some studies have also shown that the marriages that do survive become even stronger..that the love and care of the child, as well as their love for each, wins in the end.
And when I see my husband with my son, my heart is glad.

Count us in the 15%, please. Love really does conquer all.

A Random Act of Kindness On Easter

Tommy and I experienced a random act of kindness on Easter. It was at the famous Callenwolde Egg Hunt...a beautiful old mansion in Atlanta where hundreds of kids come to meet the Easter Bunny, have their faces painted, and of course, score massive amounts of Easter eggs. Some parents of kids with autism get so tired of the panic and anxiety that their kids display in new settings that they just give up on doing new things...it's exhausting and for some, embarrassing. But the way I see it, I'm an adventurer and somewhere in his heart, despite the anxiety and the autism, he is too! So we choose the path of desensitization and experience rather than the path of doing what's easiest for him....which is spinning stuff at home. We'd practiced enough that he knows Easter Eggs have "skittles" in them...and that Easter Egg Hunts are A GOOD THING. We parked on Virginia Avenue and walked to Callenwolde....the traffic jarred him, but he hugged me and said, "I want EGG!" We powered on. When we arrived, we had to wait in a long line to go to the bathroom. It was in a dark corner...he doesn't like buildings without windows...so he threw himself on the floor and screamed, and I waited calmly while holding him in place. In the bathroom, he threw a fit, bit his wrists and said, "Seatbelt on!" (which means-Take me to the car)....I found beautiful, empty rooms and we explored the building. We went outside to the small fountain, which he then tried to jump in and I restrained him and we quickly moved on to the "bunny room"... In the Bunny Room, there were about 10 rabbits in cages hopping around looking cheerful...Tommy did well petting one bunny, but then just needed to get out of that building. I hesitated too long and he completely freaked out, fell to the floor, and kicked a bunny cage, knocking its food and water out, and getting the attention of everyone in the Bunny Room. I quietly dragged him out, and he sifted the gravel he found outside (sifting things is the BEST!) We needed the bathroom and found, with our Irish luck, an old, antique beautiful one in the upstairs of the mansion. Miraculously, it had an amazing view of the front grounds, an aerial view of thousands of Easter Eggs and hundreds of 2-3 year-olds waiting to get them....we heard the whistle and watched the action. I saw a light-bulb go off. THIS is an Easter Egg Hunt...this aerial view of it, such a gift. We headed for the "6-year-old" area....ready, set, go!! Tommy set off and got one egg..."No parents allowed on the grounds" the speaker blared...Tommy then freaked out and threw himself down because he couldn't get the egg open...I called out, "Get more eggs, Sweetie!"...he ran to me and had me open the egg and the candy...but he didn't like the candy, threw himself down about that...I felt myself starting to decompensate a bit.."Dangit, Chill Out!" I said, to the glares of several nearby parents who no doubt thought me a hag. He went on, though, and did see what was going on around him, and was excited by it, ya know? Understanding it more. So at the end, we walked away with our one egg. He was slightly jarred from all the noise and excitement, but glad in a way. We walked toward the shade of the 7 60-year-old magnolia trees with kids climbing in the branches. And this little family saw him with his one egg...and they saw that he has some challenges that other folks don't....and without a word, they had their 2 beautiful daughters hide about 10 eggs in and around those Magnolias...and those little girls had a terrible time trying to get Tommy's attention, but THEY DID IT! And with their help, in his own time, in a different area, he found 10 more eggs. And I watched with a tear in my eye and thought.....THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!! And Lord, thank you too. How wonderful, this precious, perceptive, dear little family at an Easter Egg Hunt. Tommy left his "second" egg hunt with confidence and at least a couple of pieces of candy that he actually liked. And I left the second Easter Egg Hunt thinking that no matter how crazy this world is that we live in, no matter our differences, we must still be good to each other...by practicing random acts of kindness.